My A-Z stance on important political issues
It was great to see President Obama announce his support for gay marriage. Believing politicians should never change their mind represents pure folly. Nothing good comes of a stubborn adherence to old beliefs with utter disregard to new facts, information, or arguments. It’s important people stand up for their beliefs. Speaking of which, I’d like to share some of my beliefs. In case anyone needs a role model in these trying times. Here’s an alphabetical guide to my feelings on important topics like crocs, birth control, and Edward Cullen.
A is for anal… people. Calm it down. Do the counting to three thing or punch a wall. I don’t care. Stop sweating the small stuff. Poor children are starving everywhere (not just in Africa whoever made that saying a thing) and no one cares if the staple in the corner of my research paper is horizontal or vertical.
Just think WWBD “What Would a Bro Do?”
B is for birth control. Cheaper and more environmentally friendly than continuously popping out children. If obese people expect insurance to cover their many health needs because they don’t want to give up unhealthy food, I expect birth control to be covered because I don’t want to give up sex.
Inconceivable.
C is for crocs. Crocs are ugly. Judging if the amount of comfort they provide is worth the amount of pain they inflict on innocent eyes is a personal matter. I don’t see how it’s possible, but wear what you want. Just know, I think your Crocs look dumb.
I rest my case.
D is for dinosaurs. Was Jurassic Park just a big tease? When are dinosaurs coming back? Someone must be working on this. Scientists need to step up the game. I want dinosaurs and space travel. I’d even donate money to these causes in return for a dinosaur or spaceship ride.
E is for Edward Cullen. He’s creepy. Vampires shouldn’t sparkle. If someone breaks into your room and watches you sleep, don’t marry that person.
Stalking isn’t sexy.
F is for feminism. The meaning of that word seems to vary so I’m not sure I’d call myself a feminist, but I support equal rights. Reproductive organs shouldn’t effect a person’s ability to work too many hours or stay at home caring for children.
G is for google. I’m pretty sure google knows everything and am kind of concerned it’ll take over the world. Not too concerned though because if google search didn’t tell me google took over the world I’d probably never know. Maybe China will put up a fight.
H is for homosexuality. This is America, land of the free. People should be free to do what they want with their naughty bits.
Love is not a political statement.
I is for Instagram. Using instagram is fine, but it doesn’t make you a photographer. I’m not sure what does make you a photographer but I think there’s a test and a required amount of nature pictures and shots with strange lighting.
Lessons from my first half-marathon
Yesterday I was one of 31,129 people to finish the 500 Festival Mini-Marathon in Indianapolis, Indiana. It’s the largest mini-marathon in the country and was a truly amazing experience. By truly amazing I mean inspiring, sweaty, exhausting, and insane. My main goals were to finish and to run the whole time. Happily I met both of these goals and finished in 2:29:29 which was 15,768 place overall. I’ll take it. Here’s a few life lessons I gleamed throughout this mini-marathon process.
1. Two is better than one
I ran the mini-marathon with my friend Hannah. There is now way I would’ve survived this on my own. Goals are a lot easier with the support of friends. We were able to hold each other accountable for our training and give each other pep talks during the race. I wouldn’t have even signed up for the race if it wasn’t for Hannah and I’m really glad I did. A lot of people only turn to friends when in need and that’s a huge mistake. Friends should push each other to their full potential. That way you have someone to whine to the entire time. One of the most inspiring aspects of the mini-marathon was all of the people running together for good causes. Too often in life are we bringing others down, but at the mini-marathon the course was full of people cheering for human accomplishment. It’s a pretty awesome feeling.
2. You’re never too anything to accomplish your goals
I saw people from all different walks of life running this mini-marathon. Old and young, fat and skinny, pale and tan, male and female, human and extra-terrestrial. So I made up that last one. But really. Stop making lame excuses for not achieving goals. I’m a lazy person with netflix, if I can run a mini-marathon, so can you.
3. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em
This lesson is courtesy of the thong. Yes, the undergarment. Wedgies while running are the worst. Super awful. I’ll try to avoid going HBO levels of graphic, suffice to say it’s gross. I’ve tried many a pair of underwear (why is it a pair when it’s only one?) to avoid wedgies to no avail. So I gave in to the wedgie and wore a thong. Sorry for the over share, but I’m trying to make the world a better place for women who run and wear underwear. Thongs are the comfy wedgie. Like back massages are sometimes the comfy way of hitting people. Yes, someone is pounding on my back, but it doesn’t fell all that bad. Okay, that might not make a lot of sense. The point is if you can’t change something, make it as bearable as possible. The alternate moral of the story is that thongs aren’t just for seduction. Hello, multi-tasking.
4. Pregaming
Generally pregaming means preparing for a party by partying before the party. That is definitely not what I mean in this instance. Do NOT party before running. You will pay in sweat and tears. What I mean is training. Pregaming just sounds a lot more fun. Pregame life by preparing for events. I’m not sure when it became cool to accomplish tasks with the minimum amount of effort. Goals take effort. All goals. Effort and dedication aren’t a bad thing. If I hadn’t trained for that mini-marathon there is no way I would’ve made it. If only I hade realized this lesson before finals week, my professors probably would’ve appreciated it.
5. I’m sexy and I know it
Music saves lives. Bands and entertainment was present along the whole race route, but I needed my playlist. Specifically engineered for half-marathon motivation, this playlist was a huge motivational help. LMFAO telling me I’m sexy, makes me feel sexy, and makes me want to run. I don’t care if that’s wrong. If loving music is wrong I don’t want to be right. Every once in awhile I need some motivation. I’m pretty sure other people get in similar situations. That’s fine. The world is full of information and other people’s thoughts. I’m sure at least one of those people can inspire you. Find it and use it to your advantage.
6. I can run a half-marathon
This seems rather obvious, but I didn’t believe it until I crossed that finish lining. Sometimes you just have to go for it. Even if I hadn’t finished the half-marathon, I’m still in significantly better shape than before. Sounds like winning to me. Hopefully it’ll inspire me to try new things. If not, at least I prepared for the zombie apocalypse when it comes to cardio.
Go make a goal. Do it. Then brag about it on the internet 
Best Wishes,
Caitlin
P.S. here are my results, it’s kind of fun to see ->my OneAmerica 500 Festival Mini-Marathon – OneAmerica 500 Festival Mini-Marathon results
Hannah and I after the mini-marathon. If this picture was scratch and sniff, it would smell like victory and really sweaty people.
How to say I like you
Words can be fun. This proves especially true when trying to describe romantic feelings. Personally I like to blush and stammer when discussing feelings. I imagine it’s endearing in a Zooey Deschanel in New Girl kind of way. The reality probably isn’t that smooth, but I’ll embrace denial. Feelings are doomed to be awkward no matter what. Think of middle school where I asked if boys “likeliked” me or just “liked” me which was entirely different and temporarily heart breaking. I haven’t gotten much better at expressing liking since middle school. However, I have a new tool that I was lacking in middle school, the internet. Sometimes it helps me express feelings. For example this:
I like cake and people, but in different ways.
This would work really well, except what does it really mean. I like you in a way that feeds my addictive habit, but I probably also hate you for enabling my poor life choices. That doesn’t seem like the ideal feeling. I enjoy the idea of comparing emotions to other things I like. This is doable. Here’s some “I like you like” situations that I’ve had in my life.
I like you like I like cake. This is much better than I like you like a fat person likes cake because cake and I have a pretty good relationship. I thoroughly enjoy cake. At least every once in awhile. It’s not really a relationship form of like. I don’t want cake every meal. That’d probably result in my being a fat person and completely change this simile.
I like you like I like nap time. This person is nice. Comforting and a generally good part of my day. Maybe not the part I tell stories about, but a part I enjoy. It’s a nice liking, but not a very sexy liking. Potentially a friend liking.
I like you like I like a really great outfit. This is a shallow liking. Generally summarizes feelings towards those people who are attractive but have very little else working in their favor. It’s fun to take this person out on the town, but when alone with them it’s that feeling of being all dressed up with nowhere to go.
I like you like I like a project. A really awful way to feel about someone. It’s that weird urge to fix people and make them better. As if I have any right to decide what constitutes better. I’m not proud of having felt this way. Dating people to change them is never a good idea. Some people do this consistently, driven by some constant need to help people who don’t want or need help.
I like you like I like a good book. Personally, this embodies my favorite type of liking. It piques curiosity and has many different feelings involved. Books fit many genres and move from touching to steamy with the flip of a page. I want to read all of the pages of this connection, then go back and read them again. Every experience is a word I want to soak in and ponder at my own leisure. The only downside of this liking is that I love to speed through books to find out what happens. Not exactly the best idea with people.
I love you like a love song. Just kidding, that’s Selena Gomez’s thing. Also the like word is scary enough and this post isn’t ready to go into love territory. I do however fully support listening to Selena Gomez’s song.
Some people think quoting Shakespeare is romantic, but I’m all about comparing my emotions for people towards my emotions for inanimate objects. I’m sure it’s quite healthy. I like you like I like people who read my blog. It’s a healthy and enjoyable kind of liking. I promise! What kind of likes have you experienced?
Best Wishes,
Caitlin
People I’m not giving my new number
I recently went through a difficult break up with my phone. It was an abusive relationship. Eventually my phone couldn’t take my abuse anymore and died. Don’t worry, I’m seeking counseling. I’m in a new relationship now. My new phone and I love each other very much. Recently we’ve had to have a tough discussion about past baggage. I have a lot of old numbers in my old phone and I don’t really want to bring all of that with me to my new, crack free relationship.
It was time to delete people. I’m too lazy to count but it takes over twenty scrolls to go through my contact list. That’s a lot of contacts. Silly outgoing personality. It was hard deciding who to deny my new number. I’m sure everyone in my contacts list wants to keep in touch with me. Alas, sometimes the past needs to say in the past. So, here’s who I deleted:
People whose whole name I don’t know
Examples of this include “number on a light house” and “Jake hot guy from Taco Bell line”. If I don’t know you’re whole name, we probably don’t need to exchange texts and certainly not phone calls. It’s hard to give up on Jake, but I think we both need to move on. The only time random numbers do come in handy is prank calls. I’m too old for that anyways (okay, maybe not, but I switched phone plans and have limited monthly minutes).
People who only text me after midnight
I have friends and I like sleep. If you text me after midnight (and especially if you’re clearly intoxicated) I don’t want to talk/hang out/swap spit with you. I swear some people only exist between midnight and six a.m. I’m just not that extreme of a partier. Maybe I have an unhealthy relationship with sleep. I can cope with that, at least sleep doesn’t kick me out in the morning.
People who I met at any camp/confrence/etc
I’ve participated in a lot of camps, conferences, and other things where I meet tons of awesome people who I rarely ever talk to again. Once I leave that event I never call these people again. The most common exception occurs when I’m meeting people I actually live near, but that’s not how it usually goes. These people are awesome, fabulous, lovely, and way too far away for the effort of communicating. Sorry.
People who have DNT after their name
I write DNT, my own personal abbreviation for do not text, after the names of people I shouldn’t text. This mostly applies to boys that I text after too much fun or a sad romantic comedy. Numerous reasons exist for the untextable nature of the relationship. Some are jerks and when I’m sane and not afraid of being forever alone I realize I should never talk to that person again. Others like me more than I like them and I know it’s a line I shouldn’t cross. Sometimes it’s even a friend who seems attractive when I’m lonely, but when hormones are in balance and logic returns I realize he’s just bro material. Then a “friends” talk becomes necessary. So not worth the pain! Delete these numbers. Delete them now (yes, even the good kissers)!
People who only mass text
If the only texts I receive from someone say “Hey, what’s everybody doing tonight” I’m not giving that person my new number. I’m neither a mom or a secretary and will not make plans for other people. An occasional what’s up text between friends is fine. It’s those people who only text at the last minute on prime fun nights (Friday, Saturday and some Thursdays) that annoy me. Get on Facebook and Twitter and stalk everyone like a normal human being. At least put some effort into it.
People I wish I had never given my number to in the first place
This one was a little mean and probably the largest category. Getting a new number is like a fabulous time machine. All of those dumb people I gave my number to only to learn they’re super boring or like sports. Gone. It never happened. They cannot contact me via phone! I can even lie about it if I ever see them again. Oops, got a new number. If we were really friends you would’ve seen my facebook status about my broken phone and asked for my new digits. I’ve eliminated, guilt free, an annoying person from my life. As long as they don’t read my blog, they’ll never know.
The results:
I feel a lot better after my spring cleaning of phone contacts. If I really need to, I can contact most of the people I deleted via Facebook, but now when I get a text message, it’s always from someone I actually like. Quality over quantity. I’m not advising smashing your phone to pieces and getting a new number, but try deleting some contacts you never use. It feels surprisingly good.
Call me, maybe?
Caitlin
P.S. Check out my damaged phone. It was dropped, stepped on, and got a little wet. Good thing I have a warranty on my new phone.
P.S.S. An apology to my mother for always breaking things…
oops
Understand me…please!
The other day I was suffering from young adult angst because other people couldn’t read my mind. I know I should use my big kid words and express myself, but if you truly care about me you should understand my every whim! Right? That’s not needy or insane. Is it needy and insane? Why aren’t you sensing my need for self-validation?
I’m really not that needy, I promise. Yet, society often perpetuates this myth that the people who care about us should always know how we’re feeling. It’s all about connection. We just skip the parts about how to accomplish this connection. I think the best way would be telepathy. If other people could read my mind life would be so much easier. No more walking behind slow people because they’d hear the many ways in which I’m planning their death in my head and start walking faster. Just kidding…
Mind reading would work like this. Why yes, I put a period at the end of that text message to convey my inner angst that you didn’t notice how great my hair looks today. Also, my hair looks effing great today. Notice it! Then my exceptional good hair day would be noticed and complemented which would result in inner happiness and a state of Zen. Plus dentists and wait staff would stop talking to me when my mouth is full. No I didn’t spend three minutes trying to think of a term for waiters and waitresses that was gender neutral. Stop reading my mind. Stop it!
I don’t really want you to read my mind. My mind is a crazy place. Here’s an example. I know that you’re telling me really important personal information but I can’t stop thinking about cucumbers. I’m hungry and I love cucumbers. Plus my new shampoo smells like cucumbers. Then I have to think about sex because cucumbers and showers are kind of sexy. Now I’m thinking about alien sex and do aliens have green penises because that would be a lot like a cucumber. Aliens aren’t very sexy. Except for Dr. Who. He’s sexy, I would definitely sleep with him. I should go watch some Dr. Who. See the craziness? Good thing no one reads my mind.
I take it back. Mind reading would suck. People should start telling people how they feel. It’d eliminate a lot of misunderstanding. I’m tired of people being mad at me for stuff I don’t even know upsets them. I’ll stop expecting other people to read my mind if other people stop expecting me to read theirs. Or we can all wear mood rings. Those are still cool right?
Best of luck,
Caitlin
If being a girl was like in commercials
Dear Diary,
Today I woke up and wasn’t immediately happy about my existence. So I used face wash. Instant cheer! Instead of washing it off like a normal human being, I excitedly threw water at my face. While smiling. It was grand. Don’t worry; I didn’t splash any water on my cute but not too sexy pajamas.
Then I showered and washed my hair. Washing hair pretty much is like an orgasm without the sound effects and with a high chance of whiplash. I’m kidding. I made sound effects. Yes Willow, I will whip my hair back and forth. My hair immediately dries to sexy fullness. Next I should probably get dressed.
It’s a tough call, but I’m going to go with an all white outfit. This signifies to the world that I’m on my period and glad about it. Thanks tampon companies. You’ve made this whole experience so much fun I feel an irresistible urge to play sports, wear skimpy bikinis, and do yoga. I’m so carefree that wearing white year round becomes fashionably acceptable. Also I’m bleeding blue. Not sure if that’s normal. Oh well, I did a quick twirl of glee before getting ready to clean my house.
It’s good products like Windex, Magic Eraser thingies, and sprays that make actual cleaning unnecessary exist. It was super annoying picking up after my children and husband, but they’re just so darn cute. It was even adorable when they started sniffing every object in the house. Not weird at all. While doing all of my strenuous cleaning I ate yogurt and pretended it was dessert. Not because I can’t cook, but because I’m health conscious. I also microwave snacks for my kids and their friends who are sitting on the stoop. I didn’t know children still played outside, but at least I’m a cool mom.
I almost forgot to make dinner! Good thing I have these magically easy to make and nutritious microwaveable food choices that I put in real kitchen containers (because I own such things) and serve to my delighted family. Then we all watch TV on separate devices because we can record shows and watch them anytime. Plus I can switch rooms. No one has the attention span to watch TV in just one room. Without this luxury we’d pretty much inhabit a new level of hell.
Oh diary, it was such an eventful day. Good thing I have this luxurious bed that I can bounce on without making the wineglass on the other side move. Why am I sleeping with a wine glass? Because my life sucks! Birds keep flying into the windows, the time on packages and actual time that items should be cooked in the microwave is never the same, and I got face wash in my mouth while acting like a crazy person. It might be poisonous. Screw the glass of wine; I need a whole bottle.
Life competency
I’m freaking out. Why? Because I just ended that sentence with a preposition and started this one with the word because. Is that allowed? The angry green squiggly line in Word says no. I hate that line. If it possessed sentience I’d call it fat and insult its mother. Why do I even care? I care because my college has a writing competency exam that I’m required to pass. I’m a mix of terrified and annoyed. When did it become necessary to gain competence at anything? Life brims with incompetent idiots. I’m sure plenty of them obtained college degrees.
I’d like to propose alternative competency tests. Since college began I’ve reached competency in a variety of ways. I’m competent at: microwaving stuff with instructions on it, running, living with a roommate, procrastinating, doing laundry, awkwardly patting shoulders, staying up irrationally late, texting, painting my nails, walking alone in the dark, not losing keys, finding TV episodes on the internet, playing Super Smash Bros., playing beer pong (sort of), power walking to class, and an assortment of other tasks.
Where’s my credit for all of those skills? I’m feeling a tad underappreciated. Additionally, a lot of other competency tests should probably exist. Such as a parenting competency exam or a kindness competency exam. It could serve as a carfax but for people. Sort of like skill sets on video games. I’d be a level three cook, level six driver, and a level 99 speed reader. Maybe I want to be a Sim? Mostly I just want motivational music and some sort of visible acknowledgment when I accomplish mundane tasks. The amount of epic in my life would greatly benefit. Right now my competency level in procrastinating would grow and an upbeat musical number would highlight my accomplishment. Since that’s not happening, I should probably return to my studies.
Best of Luck,
Caitlin
My murder confession
This afternoon an itty-bitty spider crawled near me and I crushed it with my shoe. Upon reflection, I feel really bad about this senseless act of violence. Why can’t I accomplish a state of Zen and higher thinking that supersedes my need to crush life out of fear? I don’t want fear to control me. I wish I could sleep with my limbs dangling over the side of my bed without an irrational fear of monsters.
However, I can’t. Reason only goes so far. Spiders are much scarier than monsters, and a lot more documentation exists proving their existence. They’re actually quite helpful. They eat lots of harmful bugs, produce useful silk, and do some creepy and yet bad ass tasks like bring other bugs back to life and produce emeralds (at least that’s what the internet tells me). So why can’t I like them? I’ve tried. Really.
I’ve even let tarantulas crawl on me in an effort to conquer my fear. It mostly resulted in a lot of shaking and near panicked giggling. The spiders being good have very little impact on my feelings toward them. Even if the monsters that come out in night are like those from Monster’s Inc. I still don’t want them in my room. Spiders are so much worse. Mostly because they’ve got too many legs. What the heck do you do with that many legs? Eww I just pictured a spider karma sutra. Gross. Anyways, the fear runs too deep. I’m a wimp. Not a completely hopeless one, but a wimp all the same. Like Ron Weasley, I’d probably follow the spiders if necessary to help save a friend, but I certainly wouldn’t like it. A lot of whining would ensue.
The spider I crushed probably just wanted a tan. It was a lovely day. Maybe she has darling children and is an upstanding member of society. Or she might be wanted for spider treason because she overthrew an evil spider tyrant. Or she could’ve been an evil spider tyrant. I don’t know. Whatever she was I ended her future potential because of my silly fear. Which is sad. What if she was going to someday become genetically mutated, bite a human and produce Spider-man? I love Spider-man. I really don’t want to be responsible for his lack of existence. However, I don’t have a time machine so the best I can do is strive for amends.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry dear spider. In the future I’ll endeavor to simply move spiders out of my immediate vicinity. Live and let live will be my new spider motto. Your death will save future generations of spiders. I hope that’s a small consolation. Our brief encounter has taught me a greater respect for life. All life. I don’t care about a beings species, sexual orientation, gender, race, number of appendages, hair color, amount of tattoos, or cultural upbringing. I can’t promise to like you, but I promise not to smash you with the bottom of my shoe. Hopefully, that’s progress.
Best of luck,
Caitlin
P.S. The creepy spider image is from here.
The awkwardness of classifying relationships
It’s easy to introduce people as a friend, significant other, family member, or spouse. What about the many other forms of human relationships? I can’t be the only person who sometimes gets stumped trying to classify a relationship. It’s often a tricky matter and an awkward one. Who actually enjoys the “what are we” talk? Not me. There aren’t enough options. Relationships (I don’t just mean in the romantic sense) are complicated. I don’t know you’re life and can’t classify relationships for you, but I’ve compiled a list of possible relationship classifications to give us all more options.
- Fellow Humans <-this works in case of all fellow humans
- Acquaintances <-someone you’ve met before (possibly a few times)
- Hobby In Commoners <-someone you have some sort of hobby (I’m including books and movies in this) in common with and thus share a bond and possibly dialect
- Co-workers <-someone with whom you share an employer and commiserate the misery of having employment
- Fraternity/Sorority Brothers/Sisters <-someone with whom you did strange rituals, spent lots of time, and probably sing chants
- Facebook Friends <-someone you’re friends with on Facebook
- Internet Friends <-someone you talk to on the internet but not in real life
- Friends <-someone whose life you are at least mildly interested in and whose company doesn’t make you hate the human race
- Substance Friends <-someone you like while under the influence of a substance or for the purpose of obtaining a substance
- Major Friends <-someone you talk to a lot because you’re in a bunch of classes together and need to complain about these classes or study for them (though complaining is probably more likely)
- Skill Friends <-someone you’re friends with because they have a skill you like/want/need such as cooking or juggling bears
- Twitter Friends <-someone you like enough to hear about minute details of his or her life in a limited amount of characters
- Bros <-someone with whom you chill in a manly manner
- Hos <-someone with whom you chill in a feminine manner
- Best Friends <-someone you like without pretending and can be sarcastically mean to, usually a relationship full of inside jokes
- Super Friends <-someone you are friends with while wearing a cape
- Friends with Benefits <-someone who you are friendly with and obtain benefits from of some sort (usually the semi-scandalous sort but other sorts of benefits exist too)
- Test Run Friends<-someone you have the intention of dating but are currently still testing them out
- Boy/Girl Toy <-someone who is fun to play with (hence the word toy)
- Fuck Buddies <-someone who is a buddy with whom you fuck
- Significant Others <-someone who you’ve agreed to be together alone with
- Spouse <-someone you’re pledged to for life (with or without a piece of paper that says so)
- Family <-someone you share bloodlines with not by choice but you love them anyways
- Super Human Friends <-someone who used to be human such as a werewolf, vampire, or zombie who you’re still friends with despite supernatural maladies
Hopefully this helps define your relationships. Often relationships fall into multiple categories. Feel free to comment with additional classifications.
Best of Luck,
Caitlin
